Friday, January 21, 2011

Shut up. You know you love it.

I am tired of people (not my husband, but mags and things) telling me that I am not conventionally attractive. I am a brick shit house, people.  Kinda like the picture above.  She is beautiful, why the fuck do I have to feel bad about not being a size six?  Also, why can I not find clothes that showcase my fine figure?  I have found some, but really, if you look good naked you should be able to look good in clothes too.

Shut up. You know you love it.

It may not be a curvy, delicious woman, but it is Leonard Nimoy singing about hobbits and shit.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

2011 Food Challenge: Lauren Hernandez

Two things that I used to eat before I met Lauren.  Two things that I no longer eat as an organic, liberal locavore who has both read "Ominvore's Dilemma" and watched "Food Inc."  Lauren's challenge is to make these foods using only natural, organic, local ingredients.

I am not entirely convinced that these things can be made out of REAL FOOD.  Lauren assures me that it is possible, and I'm sure it will involve a thoroughly mutilated chicken from the Farmer's Market that I will grudgingly lovingly clean up afterward.  Jamie Oliver and Tony Bourdain will hate us for it, but we must try.  If McDonald's is the Empire (with Ray Kroc playing an overweight Darth Vader), Lauren is our only hope.  Help us, Lauren, you're our only hope.

This was my go-to lunch and dinner for a number of years (I didn't eat breakfast back then).  Nothing like following up a long night at the bar with pepperoni pizza Hot Pockets dipped in ranch dressing, am I right?  Why ingest 3,000 calories a night when you could be ingesting 4,000?  For only $2.50!  No fucking wonder I almost cracked 200 pounds!  Anyway, many fine establishments serve something similar under the name calzone.  But I'm not talking about that.  I'm talking about a small, serving size pizza-in-a-pocket, made from the best that local food producers have to offer.  I want a Salumi and Mont Blanchard* homemade hot pocket, motherfucker!

*"Mont Blanchard" is a cheddar produced by Samish Bay Cheese, available at your local Farmer's Market.

The 2011 Hernandez Model

The 2011 Hernandez Model!  That's right, the 2011 Hernandez is here!  We have one in stock, so you can wait your fucking turn!  Need someone to perform three jobs at once?  Try the 2011 Hernandez, he's just like a fucking Transformer!  Construction administration?  CHECK!  Office management?  CHECK!  Reception and its associated menial, time-draining tasks?  CHECK!  Push the button on his back, and he mutters swear words under his breath, including such favorites as, "Put your fucking dishes in the goddamn dishwasher" and "Oh, what the fuck is it now?".  Comes with optional accessories: disgruntlement, black humor, and Seahawks hat!  (serial commas not included) WHY PAY MORE WHEN YOU CAN HAVE A 2011 HERNANDEZ?!!!