Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Homemade Salad Dressing Kits for Gifts

IAN: We have a lot of friends who like the kind of Stuff White People Like.  I know white people.  I think this is a great gift idea for them, and really for people of all races, specifically all races that like to eat salad.  We take one part fresh thyme and rosemary (from our personal crop), one bottle of balsamic vinegar, one bottle of olive oil and a small canister of seasoned sea salt and coarsely-ground black pepper.  Dress it up in a pretty package, and BLAMMO!  Christmas presents for the lot of you!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Wipe Warmer

LAUREN: The wipe warmer came to my attention after I went to a baby shower for a friend (who apparently had registered for it), which was really freaky because I didn't think any of my friends were allowed to have kids yet.  I mean, I got married, but the baby shower was real: oh my god we are grown up moments.  Anyway, I joked with another one of my friends that I would get her a wipe warmer, because she said she wanted one, I think I might actually get it.  It would be hilarious to open up during a party.
Ian also thought it was a good idea, and started once again to tell me about his poop, which I have told him I do not want to hear about ever.  Thank goodness he does the dishes and laundry or I don't know what I would do.  Word of advice to most people:  I do not like hearing about poo.  I do not like to talk about it.  My poo is private, the way poo should be.

IAN: Do you enjoy taking a shit?  Hell and Yes, so do I.  And if there's one thing that makes the difference between monumental defecation and a scared little poop job in the AM/PM bathroom, it's Quality Of TP.  Now, I work in an office where we all have to concern ourselves with being "green", to the extent that our toilet paper feels like a wire brush wrapped in sandpaper.  I've sprung for the Cottonelle, and I've even tried out a bidet, but I don't think that anything will feel as good on my ass as a warmed baby wipe.  Now, keep in mind, I've yet to try this invention, but just on a conceptual level I don't see how it could fail.

LAUREN: I see I will have to buy two.


IAN: There is a little-known and oft-unrecognized diaspora in the twenty-first century First World.  That's right, I'm talking Huguenots.  French fucking Protestants, the cream of the sixteenth century Calvanist crop.  These people were like minor league Lutherans, and as such they were utterly stomped on by the French Catholic Church.  So, they split from their native land, and re-settled in a number of different places, including Holland (where they steadfastly opposed the Spanish Inquisition) and Charlestown, South Carolina (home of America's most difficult candy bar, Charlestown Chew).  If they've come that far, why not continue further west?  Huguenots, I welcome you with open arms! 

LAUREN: Ian put Huguenots on the list, I am totally opposed to this.  There is a tap shoe store there is NOT a Huguenots store (selling people is very illegal) therefore I do not think it should go on the list.  Ian says that we don't have to buy a Huguenot we could just make friends with someone who is one he also said "Look some of them live in New York that isn't that far away. . . oh wait there are some in Charleston I think we should get a Charleston I want a Charleston Huguenot" DUDE WHO DOES THIS?!!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

OBTAINED!!! - Oil of Olay

Hey there, it's Ian once again, and yes, I use girl lotion on my face every single morning.  See, I have this condition called sebhorrhoeic dermatitis, which prompts me to take particular care of my face.  Anyway, I stumbled upon this product because my wife was already buying it, and now I can't live without it...unless I want to look like an extra from "Road Warrior".

OBTAINED!!! - AAA Batteries

Hi, it's Ian.  Lauren is taking an accounting class through the City, and I figured it was the best chance I'd ever have to get some more use out of my old Texas Instruments TI-83 graphing calculator.  Having lived dormant in a drawer for the better part of 11 years, this grand old machine will make her look like she really has her shit together, if nothing else.  Give 'er some fresh batteries, and she's good-as-new!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Tap Shoes (for Ian)

Hey, Ian here.  Know what I like to watch after a long day of NFL playoffs?  Black and white musicals.  Specifically, anything starring Gene Kelly.  Because my favorite obnoxious form of self-expression, next to karaoke and pooping, is TAP SHOES.  I think that's just the thing All-Purpose needs to catapult us to the next level: a drum and tap shoe solo.  A little call-and-response, or something like that.  Any thrift/antique store recommendations for where I can find a pair?

20' Ethernet Cable

Hey there, Ian here.  Got myself a PS3 over the holidays and want to hook it up to the internet.  In lieu of just going to Radio Shack and buying a cheap ethernet cable, my buddy Shawn has promised to make me one, as he gets to make these kinds of things at his job.  Lame first post, I know, but it will get better, I promise.