Shut up. You know you love it.

It may not be a curvy, delicious woman, but it is Leonard Nimoy singing about hobbits and shit.

2011 Food Challenge: Lauren Hernandez

Two things that I used to eat before I met Lauren.  Two things that I no longer eat as an organic, liberal locavore who has both read "Ominvore's Dilemma" and watched "Food Inc."  Lauren's challenge is to make these foods using only natural, organic, local ingredients.


1. CHICKEN NUGGETS

I am not entirely convinced that these things can be made out of REAL FOOD.  Lauren assures me that it is possible, and I'm sure it will involve a thoroughly mutilated chicken from the Farmer's Market that I will grudgingly lovingly clean up afterward.  Jamie Oliver and Tony Bourdain will hate us for it, but we must try.  If McDonald's is the Empire (with Ray Kroc playing an overweight Darth Vader), Lauren is our only hope.  Help us, Lauren, you're our only hope.

2. HOT POCKETS

This was my go-to lunch and dinner for a number of years (I didn't eat breakfast back then).  Nothing like following up a long night at the bar with pepperoni pizza Hot Pockets dipped in ranch dressing, am I right?  Why ingest 3,000 calories a night when you could be ingesting 4,000?  For only $2.50!  No fucking wonder I almost cracked 200 pounds!  Anyway, many fine establishments serve something similar under the name calzone.  But I'm not talking about that.  I'm talking about a small, serving size pizza-in-a-pocket, made from the best that local food producers have to offer.  I want a Salumi and Mont Blanchard* homemade hot pocket, motherfucker!

*"Mont Blanchard" is a cheddar produced by Samish Bay Cheese, available at your local Farmer's Market.

The 2011 Hernandez Model

The 2011 Hernandez Model!  That's right, the 2011 Hernandez is here!  We have one in stock, so you can wait your fucking turn!  Need someone to perform three jobs at once?  Try the 2011 Hernandez, he's just like a fucking Transformer!  Construction administration?  CHECK!  Office management?  CHECK!  Reception and its associated menial, time-draining tasks?  CHECK!  Push the button on his back, and he mutters swear words under his breath, including such favorites as, "Put your fucking dishes in the goddamn dishwasher" and "Oh, what the fuck is it now?".  Comes with optional accessories: disgruntlement, black humor, and Seahawks hat!  (serial commas not included) WHY PAY MORE WHEN YOU CAN HAVE A 2011 HERNANDEZ?!!!

Homemade Salad Dressing Kits for Gifts

IAN: We have a lot of friends who like the kind of Stuff White People Like.  I know white people.  I think this is a great gift idea for them, and really for people of all races, specifically all races that like to eat salad.  We take one part fresh thyme and rosemary (from our personal crop), one bottle of balsamic vinegar, one bottle of olive oil and a small canister of seasoned sea salt and coarsely-ground black pepper.  Dress it up in a pretty package, and BLAMMO!  Christmas presents for the lot of you!

Wipe Warmer

LAUREN: The wipe warmer came to my attention after I went to a baby shower for a friend (who apparently had registered for it), which was really freaky because I didn't think any of my friends were allowed to have kids yet.  I mean, I got married, but the baby shower was real: oh my god we are grown up moments.  Anyway, I joked with another one of my friends that I would get her a wipe warmer, because she said she wanted one, I think I might actually get it.  It would be hilarious to open up during a party.
Ian also thought it was a good idea, and started once again to tell me about his poop, which I have told him I do not want to hear about ever.  Thank goodness he does the dishes and laundry or I don't know what I would do.  Word of advice to most people:  I do not like hearing about poo.  I do not like to talk about it.  My poo is private, the way poo should be.

IAN: Do you enjoy taking a shit?  Hell and Yes, so do I.  And if there's one thing that makes the difference between monumental defecation and a scared little poop job in the AM/PM bathroom, it's Quality Of TP.  Now, I work in an office where we all have to concern ourselves with being "green", to the extent that our toilet paper feels like a wire brush wrapped in sandpaper.  I've sprung for the Cottonelle, and I've even tried out a bidet, but I don't think that anything will feel as good on my ass as a warmed baby wipe.  Now, keep in mind, I've yet to try this invention, but just on a conceptual level I don't see how it could fail.

LAUREN: I see I will have to buy two.

Huguenots

IAN: There is a little-known and oft-unrecognized diaspora in the twenty-first century First World.  That's right, I'm talking Huguenots.  French fucking Protestants, the cream of the sixteenth century Calvanist crop.  These people were like minor league Lutherans, and as such they were utterly stomped on by the French Catholic Church.  So, they split from their native land, and re-settled in a number of different places, including Holland (where they steadfastly opposed the Spanish Inquisition) and Charlestown, South Carolina (home of America's most difficult candy bar, Charlestown Chew).  If they've come that far, why not continue further west?  Huguenots, I welcome you with open arms! 

LAUREN: Ian put Huguenots on the list, I am totally opposed to this.  There is a tap shoe store there is NOT a Huguenots store (selling people is very illegal) therefore I do not think it should go on the list.  Ian says that we don't have to buy a Huguenot we could just make friends with someone who is one he also said "Look some of them live in New York that isn't that far away. . . oh wait there are some in Charleston I think we should get a Charleston I want a Charleston Huguenot" DUDE WHO DOES THIS?!!

OBTAINED!!! - Oil of Olay

Hey there, it's Ian once again, and yes, I use girl lotion on my face every single morning.  See, I have this condition called sebhorrhoeic dermatitis, which prompts me to take particular care of my face.  Anyway, I stumbled upon this product because my wife was already buying it, and now I can't live without it...unless I want to look like an extra from "Road Warrior".