NFL Realignment

LAUREN: NFL teams will be divided by mascot. Land Mammals are all together. Stereotypes, for lack of a better term, are all together as well. There will be a Bird division. There will also be an Aquatic Mammal division, so the Dolphins will actually have a chance at winning their division.

We need to include a beauty contest, starting at the Combine, but continuing annually for all players. I want to know how they look in a bathing suit, I want to know their special talents, but more importantly, I want to know if they're attractive enough to be on TV. It's their job to look good for my entertainment, and I really don't think they're taking it seriously.

IAN: Roethlisberger, pack your bags. Flacco, pluck that 'brow. Eli, give us your big boy face. Rodgers can give you grooming tips.

But seriously, this would make things easier for the casual fan. I would add a Mythical Creature division, a Pirate division, and a Dubious Nouns division. Browns vs. Chargers, four times a year. Norv Turner still won't make the playoffs.

So, we're looking at a lopsided pile of awesome that goes something like this:

LAND MAMMAL DIVISION
Bears, Lions, Bengals, Colts, Jaguars, Broncos, Rams, Panthers

AQUATIC MAMMAL DIVISION
Dolphins

AVIAN DIVISION
Seahawks, Cardinals, Ravens, Falcons, Eagles, Jets

STEREOTYPE DIVISION
Patriots, Cowboys, Chiefs, Redskins, Steelers, Packers, Saints, 49ers, Texans

PIRATE DIVISION
Buccaneers, Raiders, Vikings

MYTHICAL CREATURE DIVISION
Giants, Titans, Bills

DUBIOUS NOUNS DIVISION
Chargers, Browns

Every Movement is Better With a Theme Song

LAUREN: Okay, I know there are things people are passionate about, and I think that is fab. But dude, pick a song.

For the folks with reefer madness I would like to bring up the idea of using "Wouldn't It Be Nice" by the Beach Boys, because "you know it seems the more we talk about it, kinda makes it hard to live without it, so let's talk about it" is a great opener.  Because like the reefer, this song is almost universally loved.
For the 99%, pick Adele's "Rolling in the Deep." the 1% "could've had it all" but they "played us to the beat." It is kind of a threat, but at this point I'm okay with that.  Plus, everyone in America (and real 'Murika) loves this song, so it will work.

IAN: I really love the idea of having "Wouldn't It Be Nice" serve as the theme song for the I-502 campaign. In high school I learned that marijuana is a wonderful introduction to Pet Sounds, and vice versa.

I can't really see "Rolling in the Deep" representing the Occupy movement. If it was up to me, we'd stick to something classic like this:

Something to come out of all this...

I have not participated in a single Occupy event. There is a part of me that is kicking my ass for not doing anything. Somewhere deep in my soul, there is a piece of me that is kicking my own ass because I have agreed and sympathized without even a hint of sacrifice.

Then there is the other part, the part that makes decisions; the part that reminds me of work, band practice, Seahawks football, and all of the other things I've ceded my time to for various reasons. That part understands that choices must be made. That part offers comfort, and a respite from difficult emotions.

The Occupy movement is messy, and it's supposed to be that way. But at some point we have to make sense of this mess, to learn from it and build on it.

The Tea Party had all of this stuff set up already. That's what happens when you apply corporate funding to a grassroots movement. The message was tightly sculpted and refined. There were places to give your money, rallies to show up at, and a good portion of the AM bandwidth pushing the message of the movement to Real America. All we have are a bunch of random citizens, coming together from diverse motivations, and a whole lot of ambivalent observers, alternately praising and trashing the people protesting something we all know is wrong.

This blog is supposed to be a list of things that Lauren and I want for our daily lives. I don't want this to be for nothing. Do what you have to do, but never forget that lack of participation is a form of consent.

A Moratorium on Baby-Making Talk

(This post is on behalf of every young, married, and childless couple, everywhere.)

I was going to start this post with the line, “Everyone loves babies”. Then I realized that’s patently untrue. I’ve spent enough time in the hipster mecca of Capitol Hill to understand that some people can’t fucking stand children. No, really, take your kids with you to Skillet sometime and feel the glares. I’ve seen it happen.

Me on the other hand, I like children. Some of my closest friends and family have wee ones, and I truly enjoy their kids. No joke! The children are our future, etc., etc.

That said, ENOUGH WITH THE GODDAMN BABY-MAKING TALK. Generally, I like to hang out with you. However, I hate being pestered at every available opportunity about when we’re going to have one.  Yes, I know you want us to have a baby. Your comments have been noted and included in the record. Bringing it up again and again and again, at the expense of any other meaningful conversation between us, is beyond annoying. You do not get a vote, and contrary to what you might think, your behavior is neither cute nor appropriate.

Believe me, it’ll happen when it happens, so just chill out. I don’t think you’re coming from a bad place, but put yourself in my shoes: if I just repeated the same thing, over and over again, every time we had a chance to talk to each other, would you still want to hang out with me? So seriously, fuck off with the goddamn baby-making talk. How about them Seahawks?

Shut up. You know you love it.

I am tired of people (not my husband, but mags and things) telling me that I am not conventionally attractive. I am a brick shit house, people.  Kinda like the picture above.  She is beautiful, why the fuck do I have to feel bad about not being a size six?  Also, why can I not find clothes that showcase my fine figure?  I have found some, but really, if you look good naked you should be able to look good in clothes too.

Shut up. You know you love it.

It may not be a curvy, delicious woman, but it is Leonard Nimoy singing about hobbits and shit.

2011 Food Challenge: Lauren Hernandez

Two things that I used to eat before I met Lauren.  Two things that I no longer eat as an organic, liberal locavore who has both read "Ominvore's Dilemma" and watched "Food Inc."  Lauren's challenge is to make these foods using only natural, organic, local ingredients.


1. CHICKEN NUGGETS

I am not entirely convinced that these things can be made out of REAL FOOD.  Lauren assures me that it is possible, and I'm sure it will involve a thoroughly mutilated chicken from the Farmer's Market that I will grudgingly lovingly clean up afterward.  Jamie Oliver and Tony Bourdain will hate us for it, but we must try.  If McDonald's is the Empire (with Ray Kroc playing an overweight Darth Vader), Lauren is our only hope.  Help us, Lauren, you're our only hope.

2. HOT POCKETS

This was my go-to lunch and dinner for a number of years (I didn't eat breakfast back then).  Nothing like following up a long night at the bar with pepperoni pizza Hot Pockets dipped in ranch dressing, am I right?  Why ingest 3,000 calories a night when you could be ingesting 4,000?  For only $2.50!  No fucking wonder I almost cracked 200 pounds!  Anyway, many fine establishments serve something similar under the name calzone.  But I'm not talking about that.  I'm talking about a small, serving size pizza-in-a-pocket, made from the best that local food producers have to offer.  I want a Salumi and Mont Blanchard* homemade hot pocket, motherfucker!

*"Mont Blanchard" is a cheddar produced by Samish Bay Cheese, available at your local Farmer's Market.