NFL Realignment

LAUREN: NFL teams will be divided by mascot. Land Mammals are all together. Stereotypes, for lack of a better term, are all together as well. There will be a Bird division. There will also be an Aquatic Mammal division, so the Dolphins will actually have a chance at winning their division.

We need to include a beauty contest, starting at the Combine, but continuing annually for all players. I want to know how they look in a bathing suit, I want to know their special talents, but more importantly, I want to know if they're attractive enough to be on TV. It's their job to look good for my entertainment, and I really don't think they're taking it seriously.

IAN: Roethlisberger, pack your bags. Flacco, pluck that 'brow. Eli, give us your big boy face. Rodgers can give you grooming tips.

But seriously, this would make things easier for the casual fan. I would add a Mythical Creature division, a Pirate division, and a Dubious Nouns division. Browns vs. Chargers, four times a year. Norv Turner still won't make the playoffs.

So, we're looking at a lopsided pile of awesome that goes something like this:

LAND MAMMAL DIVISION
Bears, Lions, Bengals, Colts, Jaguars, Broncos, Rams, Panthers

AQUATIC MAMMAL DIVISION
Dolphins

AVIAN DIVISION
Seahawks, Cardinals, Ravens, Falcons, Eagles, Jets

STEREOTYPE DIVISION
Patriots, Cowboys, Chiefs, Redskins, Steelers, Packers, Saints, 49ers, Texans

PIRATE DIVISION
Buccaneers, Raiders, Vikings

MYTHICAL CREATURE DIVISION
Giants, Titans, Bills

DUBIOUS NOUNS DIVISION
Chargers, Browns

Every Movement is Better With a Theme Song

LAUREN: Okay, I know there are things people are passionate about, and I think that is fab. But dude, pick a song.

For the folks with reefer madness I would like to bring up the idea of using "Wouldn't It Be Nice" by the Beach Boys, because "you know it seems the more we talk about it, kinda makes it hard to live without it, so let's talk about it" is a great opener.  Because like the reefer, this song is almost universally loved.
For the 99%, pick Adele's "Rolling in the Deep." the 1% "could've had it all" but they "played us to the beat." It is kind of a threat, but at this point I'm okay with that.  Plus, everyone in America (and real 'Murika) loves this song, so it will work.

IAN: I really love the idea of having "Wouldn't It Be Nice" serve as the theme song for the I-502 campaign. In high school I learned that marijuana is a wonderful introduction to Pet Sounds, and vice versa.

I can't really see "Rolling in the Deep" representing the Occupy movement. If it was up to me, we'd stick to something classic like this: